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Discussing sex on a date isn’t just about gauging compatibility. It’s a profound opportunity for building trust, understanding, and a deeper connection. For allosexual folks (people who experience sexual attraction), a date often works as an audition of sorts, is this the kind of person I can see myself getting naked with? That decision might be about more than just that spark of chemistry, the deep blue of their eyes, or their delicious curves. You might want to actually *gasp* talk about it.

This might be controversial, but I believe sex is not only a perfectly acceptable topic of conversation on a date, but one of the more important ones. Whether you’re discussing STI status, comparing kinks, or playfully hinting at your tastes, making sure your datemate is on the same page as you is crucial, ideally before you get down and dirty.

Unfortunately, it’s also really easy to mess this up. From the overly aggressive dude at the bar to the socially awkward teen in a chatroom, the pictures we have of people talking about sex with relative strangers aren’t great, but it can be done right. That’s why I wanted to share a few tips with you today on how to discuss sex on a date.

man and woman on a date

Read the Room

First things first, you’re going to want to brush up on your nonverbal communication. You need to be able to see the signs of if your partner is in a sexy space or not. Even more importantly, know when you’ve crossed a line.

Open and positive body language is how you know things are going well. You might notice their body angled towards you, or their arms open and welcoming. Their posture should be easy and relaxed, and when they smile it should reach their eyes (known as a Duchenne smile). They might casually touch your arm when you make a joke, or let their thigh rest against yours when they sit next to you, or they might spend a whole lot of time staring at your lips. These are all signs your beau might be receptive to talking about sexier things.

Alternatively, if their body language is closed off, with their body angled away from you or their arms crossed, things aren’t going so hot. If they flinch when you touch them, their eyes are wandering around the room (looking for an escape), or their answers are limited to only a few words, then please don’t start telling them about your junk. They don’t want to hear it.

Body language isn’t an exact science. Your date’s arms might be crossed because it’s February and they are wearing their cute coat instead of their warm one. Or, they might be looking around the room because they’re trying to figure out if they know that guy waiting in line for the bathroom. They might also be comfortable enough around you to be relaxed but still not down to get down.

Let Them Take The Lead

My favorite way to discuss sex on a date is casually weaving it into conversation or a joke. Something like “So the other day my friend borrowed my computer and I had completely forgotten there were some tabs with… uh… questionable content open. Ugh, you should have SEEN his face.” This gives your date the opportunity to press for more details (“So what exactly was in those tabs?”) or just move on.

A flirty comment like “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were trying to seduce me” is another playful way to bring the train of thought around to sexier things without making your paramour feel put on the spot. They can build (“Oh trust me, when I decide to seduce you, you’ll know”) or just giggle and move on.

The key is to put the bait into the conversation and allow them to grab onto it and build from there. A conversation is collaborative and if you want to take it down a dirty path you need to forge that path together. Most importantly, you need to recognize when the person isn’t interested. One ignored hint? Well alright, maybe they didn’t get it or couldn’t come up with a clever retort in time. Two ignored hints? That’s a message, and the message is drop it. Three ignored hints, an arm cross, and a nervous half smile? Why hello Commander Creepy, I didn’t see you there.

Offer Information

When unsure how a discussion about sex on a date might go, the last thing you want is to make it feel like an interrogation. Being vulnerable yourself is the fastest way to build someone’s trust. You never want to make it all about you on a date. Sharing information about yourself before asking your partner to do the same is a great way to help them feel at ease.

Sex and relationship coach Reid Mihalko has a safer sex elevator speech that he teaches in his workshops. He advises beginning with sharing your status, protocols, likes, dislikes, and then asking “How about you?”. This models the desired information exchange and shows it’s safe to share openly without shame.

Context

The caveat to sharing information is that you always want to make sure you do so with context. “Hi, nice to meet you, I’m Roger and I have a 11” schlong” is not going to win many admirers. However, if two hours into the date you’re exchanging embarrassing stories and you talk about that time in high school when you got called to the front of the class to do a problem on the board and puberty decided to play a cruel joke on you. Well…

In both cases you’re talking about an erection, but one is highly more likely to be received well. A sexy non sequitur will blindside anyone, even if they’re open to it. Ensure that bringing up sex happens naturally. If not, it will feel like you’ve been waiting for this moment all date. It will seem like you don’t care about anything else.

Meta-Communication

At the end of the day, if you do this often enough, you’re going to mess up. You’re going to take it too far, or want to tell your partner something and not have a smooth way to make it a part of your conversation. This is where an aptitude for meta-communication will come in handy. “A simple ‘Well, that got awkward’ quickly diffuses uncomfortable tension. Saying ‘Geeze, I’m really nervous about tonight’ can make your stuttering seem charming. In other cases, a sincere ‘Wow, I really crossed a line there, I’m so sorry’ is needed to mend after a bigger mistake. This approach won’t always work. Sometimes, you need to just bow out and learn from the experience. Pushing for forgiveness isn’t a good look, but honesty and genuineness can go a long way.”

Remember, discussing sex on a date goes beyond physical compatibility. It’s about building trust and understanding emotional needs. It also fosters a deeper connection. By following these guidelines, you ensure conversations are constructive and respectful. Ultimately, this leads to a stronger bond with a potential partner.

Read More: How to Talk About Sexual Fantasies with Your Partner