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Many are quick to judge lifestyle choices which deviate from the so called norm. That’s all very well if your standpoint is inherently superior. However, where monogamy vs. polyamory is concerned, with divorce and adultery rates still climbing – it appears increasingly hypocritical for fans of the former to criticize the latter.

Personal Experience with Monogamy

I have had a few relationships that ended because of cheating. Why? A monogamous relationship, built on assumptions, leaves little room for development or change. As time passed, my needs altered. The very nature of a monogamous relationship is based on the belief that neither partner have other sexual relationships. I came to the point where I was not being fulfilled sexually by my partner – I occasionally bought up the topic, but sometimes this frank communication came too late or my deviant sexual needs simply didn’t appeal to them. If I had been involved in a polyamorous relationship I could have been upfront and considered getting an extra sexual partner. I wasn’t – so I had affairs. My behavior was deceitful.

The Importance of Communication in Polyamory

The primary message I attempt to put across in my sex blog is that communication within a relationship is vital – how can partners fulfil each other’s sexual desires if they do not discuss their innermost feelings and needs? This seems logical to me but it is surprising how many monogamous couples find it extremely difficult to be upfront and honest with their lover. The fact that a monogamous pairing is built on assumptions is a weakness, which mitigates against honest communication, as you assume you know what the other person thinks. However, honesty and communication are paramount within a relationship – if you cannot promote these virtues, then all other areas within the alliance will eventually fail. This must surely be a contributory factor in the high divorce rate.

Polyamory vs. Monogamy: Societal Views

It seems odd that people still uphold the fault-laden monogamous archetype as the principled model to follow. Polyamory, on the other hand, necessitates communication and people often view it as immoral with the potential to emotionally harm everyone involved.

Personal Evolution Towards Polyamory

Many years ago I met a man who I instinctively wanted to be open with. We tentatively began a relationship but I was sleeping with others. I raised the subject, suspecting he had other liaisons too, and we openly discussed our various relationships, continuing with our own and eventually parting ways. Without realizing it we were attempting to act in a polyamorous fashion. Many years passed by and that very same person is My Man now. In general we have an extremely intense monogamous bond. Sometime ago I nonchalantly asked him what his reaction would be if I had sex with another man. In hindsight I wanted him to express his distaste for such a scenario – feeling that this would be an indication of his desire for me. But he didn’t. He very simply replied that he hoped I wouldn’t do anything without discussing it with him first. Reflecting on our relationship’s origins and our active efforts to maintain honesty, I realized my surprise was unwarranted.

Defining Polyamory

Morning Glory Zell coined the phrase POLYAMORY in the early 80’s and defined it as the practice, state or ability of having more than one sexual, loving relationship at the same time – with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved.

Though it has to be said that no single definition of “polyamory” has enjoyed universal acceptance.

Communication: The Core of Polyamory

The difficulties many monogamous couples have with regard to communication and honesty simply cannot occur within a polyamorous relationship. Polyamory needs communication to work out the confines of the relationship, examine feelings, and resolve disputes. Communication and honesty are such intrinsic aspects of polyamorous life that it is difficult to over play their importance. These are the coping mechanisms that assist polyamorists in dealing with current or prospective hitches in their intricate lifestyle.

Read More: Why Do Couples Choose Polyamory?