Coming Out To Your Partner

Coming Out Kinky to Your Partner

“Ah, um, our sex is great…but could you maybe spank me or pull my hair next time?” I bashfully asked my lover of 3 months. The pause that followed left me wondering if disapproval (at the minimum), or a trail of dust leading out the door (at the worst) would follow!

Luckily, his next words were thoughtful, and carefully chosen. Because he did neither. He gave me a sly but salacious glance and showed an obvious sign of arousal. Then surprised me by asking to share my fantasies about kinky sex.

Admittedly, this was a best case scenario. What could have happened was anything along a wide-ranging continuum: all the way from indignation to outright rejection to as much as the dreaded ghosting (you know, when you never hear from that person again).

It can be a terrifying thing to lay yourself bare in front of another person, awaiting their response. That feeling of vulnerability has few equals. But sometimes this leap of faith can yield sexy-time rewards instead of judgement or criticism. Exposing your authentic selves is a very courageous thing to do and can lead to becoming true sexual partners. That’s the result hoped for, especially if you are in a relationship. And, it’s the first step in an ongoing journey toward a much healthier and fulfilling sex life.

Want this level of openness? Start at the beginning with the ABCs.


A – Always pick your timing.

Don’t tell them on the way to church. Don’t tell them at dinner with friends. Don’t tell them at a family picnic… You get the idea! You’re the one initiating the conversation, so you get to pick the time and place. Pick one of those times when you are feeling intimate, loving or when the sexy vibe is there. Maybe it’s while sharing an intimate dinner (“Wow this whip cream would look great dripping down your chest and I can imagine licking it off”). Perhaps you’re watching a show on television (something with a little kink in it – “Wow that looks hot, do you want to try something a little wild?”). How about right as the foreplay starts (“Honey, I have this fantasy about you teasing me with a few toys and me begging you to fuck me”). Any or all of these could lead to a hot element of kink as your limbs begin to entwine.

B – Be honest.

First, consider your needs, wants and desires. Then tell your lover what you want. Don’t play coy or beat around the bush and make them guess. Our experience is that it’s way hotter if you give explicit and sexy examples of what your fantasy is and how you want to live it out with your partner. If you want to try a power dynamic during sex? Then explain what role you’d like to select.

For example, if you want to be the top in the situation then tell them you want to be in total control of this scenario. Describe exactly what you want them to do… until they are begging for more. Conversely, if you want to be the bottom in the encounter, then confess that you’d love to surrender. Incite them to take control and do what they want with you!

If you don’t want to try Power Exchange, how about another type of Role Play? Personifying characters from sexy books, movies or other media, with your own special twist, can be a good way to step out of a vanilla sex life and into something kinky. Either or both of your imaginations can lead you down any avenue of sexual adventure. If you want to experience some rope or get tied up in bed you might try a little “kidnapping” or “pirate ship” role-play. Maybe spanking is more your scene? Try some kind of “bad girl” or “bad boy” story line. Whatever your interest in kink? You can find a role play scenario to support it.

C – Communication is key.

Everyone says that… but what does it mean? Start by expressing what you want, but also encourage your partner to discuss and be open about they want. Everyone has some kind of fantasies. Consider this a kind of “trade.” Make agreements and give each other permission plus the time and space to share those fantasies. Agree to try one of them each month, taking turns, so that both of you get your fantasies fulfilled.

Talk about what other options are out there. If over time, you decide to step further out of your comfort zone? Do some online research to find out what kinky parties, gatherings, or meetings are available in your area. Then together, try going to one! At the first Kinky Play Party we attended, we didn’t do anything other than watch. But we couldn’t wait to get home and get into each other’s pants! We got incredibly hot, wet, and horny from just being around, talking to and watching other people.

Regardless of what you do, debrief. Each time you try something new with one another, talk about what worked, what didn’t, and what you could try differently next time.


Follow these ABCs and do what is right for you. The results will be on a continuum. With the worst case being you lose a lover, who may not have been willing to explore your sexual needs anyway; or the best case: You and your partner become closer and discover a more satisfying and creative sexual relationship.

We wish you happy, healthy and horny sexual adventures!

Enjoy!
Barak & Sheba


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Barak and Sheba
Barak & Sheba are pansexual, polyamorous, married partners who reside in Columbus, Ohio; with some gigantic cats. Together they have authored numerous short stories and essays on Polyamory, Kink, and Sacred Sexuality. Traveling around the country, they present classes for Kink, Leather, and Vanilla audiences.

They are the founders of Adventures in Sexuality (AIS), a larger, fun, frolicking PanPolyBSDM/Kink group in Central Ohio that promotes many Pansexual, Educational Kink Events - including the Central Ohio Perversion Excursion (C.O.P.E.) and Winter Wickedness. AIS is now expanding to include an "On the Road Event" which will be popping up in Pittsburgh in October, and who knows where else! They currently have co-founded and Co-direct The Columbus Space - a freestanding facility in Columbus Ohio for exploring your authentic and sexual selves! Through AIS they are Coalition members of the NCSF (National Coalition for Sexual Freedom) are active supporters of The Sexual Assault Response Network of Central Ohio (SARNCO) and the Buckeye Region Anti-Violence Organization (BRAVO).

Please visit Adventures In Sexuality for more information.

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