People always look at me weird when I tell them I’m a sex nerd. It’s like they’ve never heard those two words in such close proximity before. Pop culture depictions of nerds – albeit more so in the 1980s than now – often depicted them as undesirable and disinterested in sex. So the idea that someone could be nerdy about sex is, I gather, incongruous to some folks.
That’s okay. They don’t have to understand my sex-nerdy identity for me and my partners to derive great joy from it. And we certainly do. Here are some of my favorite ways sex-nerdiness manifests in my life…
I conduct sexual science experiments.
Look, bodies and brains are fascinating – especially how they interact during sex. Who wouldn’t want to find out more about how they work?
Whether you think of them as experiments or more like games, these sexy explorations can teach you a ton about your sexual tastes and responses. How fast (or slow) can you get a partner off? What is the exact length of your refractory period, and is it malleable? Does this feel better, or that? Are orgasms more intense when you’re blindfolded, gagged, or hanging upside-down off the edge of the bed? Discovering your body (or your partner’s), in all its intricacies, is an adventure worth undertaking!
I track my sexual statistics.
Specifically: I keep a spreadsheet of all my orgasms, and another spreadsheet of all my partnered sexual encounters. “And you think I’m a nerd?!” a partner once jibed when I told him about my spreadsheets after teasing him about his video-game geekery all evening.
Having data on my sex life is useful for a plethora of reasons: it helps me track shifts in my libido, clarifies patterns so I can change up my sex life to suit me better, and will be useful if I ever run into a pregnancy or STI scare. But mostly, I just do it for the nerdy joy of it. I glean a strange satisfaction from knowing exactly how many orgasms I’ve had so far this calendar year, which sex acts are most highly correlated with orgasm for me, or which sex toys in my collection have the lowest cost-per-use ratio. Numbers and percentages and color-coding, oh my!
I get way too enthused about sex toys.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve detailed all a toy’s features and specs for a partner when he probably just wanted to skip ahead to the actual sex… I’d be able to afford several new sex toys.
Luckily for me, most of my partners have been cool with my nerdiness. They’re often willing to test new toys with me, even at the risk of ruining an orgasm with a bad vibrator motor or an uncomfortable design. Rather than feeling replaced or usurped by a toy, many times a partner has turned to me after pounding me into ecstasy with a dildo and said, “That was hot.”
I provide sex ed in the bedroom.
It’s hard not to, when you’re passionate about sex education.
A partner’s got a bottle of lube on his nightstand which turns out to be full of vagina-irritating ingredients? He’s getting a mini-lecture from me and a bottle of better lube the next time I see him. Tries to finger my vag right after fingering my butt? He’s getting schooled on bacteria and the joys of latex gloves. Never spanked anyone before, but wants to? Congratulations, he’s gonna learn how!
Of course, this teacherly approach is only fun with partners who are enthusiastic pupils. But sometimes they learn something new that opens up their whole world. Those moments, for me, are almost as fulfilling as the orgasms that tend to follow!
I’m excited about everything.
Sex nerds can be snobs, à la John Cusack’s character in High Fidelity: lording their knowledge over others and rolling their eyes at people who aren’t “on their level.” But I think it’s more fun to be the other type of nerd: the one who’s just super excited about everything.
I may be a discerning slut, but I’m not blasé about dicks: every cock I (consensually) encounter absolutely delights me. I don’t dismiss people for being “bad at sex”; I only dismiss them if they’re unwilling to practice and learn. And I try to always keep in mind that what’s bad for one person will be good for another. We all have different tastes and preferences, we’re all at different places in our meandering sexual journeys, and we all have different sexcapades we want to embark on. That diversity is one of the most beautiful things about human sexuality!