From Sexually Repressed to Sexually Satisfied

For most of us, divorce is an earthshattering experience, and it was no different for me. It’s an awful experience, especially when you look into the eyes of your little ones and know that you’re going to have to explain it to them one day and break their little hearts. No one thinks on their wedding day, as they’re looking into the eyes of the man they love, that they’d ever divorce. Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce, but that won’t happen to me right…

My divorce was ok-ish as far as divorces go. It was fairly amicable which decreased some stress, but nevertheless, it’s a massive life changing experience and completely changes your world view and your perspective of the future. While married, it was always what are “we” going to do? When looking into the future, I’d always picture myself with my ex-husband, sitting on the porch together and having our future grandchildren coming to visit us. All that, in an instant, is gone. My entire future, of which I was so certain, would now be very different.

Even though I lost a massive part of my life, life must go on. Being single for the first time in a long time gave me the opportunity to think for myself and of myself. I had no interest in being with another man in the short-term. I still had urges though…

How I Learned to Love My Body

Ironically, I had to be celibate to find my own sexuality and become more comfortable in my body. For the first time in my life, my sexuality was something that I could develop over time, in private, at a rate where I felt comfortable. I wasn’t used to masturbating, let alone talking about it. For the first time in my life, I had the opportunity to explore my own body. I had the opportunity to relax with bubble baths, candles, and music I liked to get in the mood. I had the time to get in the mood. I wasn’t rushed. I could build up my comfort levels with exploring my own sexuality under no pressure from anyone else.

I had a few false starts. At first I’d have a range of emotions like guilt and a bit of shame. I kept on thinking maybe I should just move on to another partner, but I decided not to that. When I first started exploring my sexuality, I wouldn’t even orgasm; I was just interested in exploring my body without the pressure of orgasming. I didn’t want it to be about orgasming. Over time I became more and more comfortable with my own sexuality and exploring it by myself.

There was no thinking, “I wonder if he’s getting tired with pleasing me. Maybe I should just fake it.” There was no thinking, “He’s so horny. Maybe this session should be more about him.” All my “sessions” became about me.

More! I WANT More!

I ended up feeling so much more comfortable with my own body and my own desires that for the first time in my life I felt like a part of me that had been hibernating had come alive again. The problem was that after having a few partners, I was becoming more and more sexual and I still didn’t feel 100% satisfied. I felt that I was still only scratching the surface and was desperate to explore more, but didn’t know what to do next.

How I Got Into Swinging

Basically, I felt like a caged lioness. I was hungry for new sexual experiences, and deep down, I knew that my new partner wouldn’t be able to fully satisfy me. Even though I was fairly happy in my new relationship, I didn’t feel like I had explored my sexuality enough. I just had this urge to find out more about my sexuality. Then one night, I was watching a documentary on ancient Rome and how they used to have these massive orgies and a lightbulb went off in my head – why not try swinging?

My First Night

I was a bit unsure how the night would unfold because my number one fantasy was to be with two men at the same time (one of them being my partner) and have both of the men’s complete, undivided attention like I was the most desirable woman on the planet. But my second fantasy (which was a close second to my first fantasy) was to fool around with another woman while my partner watched and masturbated, and then when we were ready for him, he could join in when we told him to. My partner was very, very keen for the second fantasy to become a reality. We thought that, at a minimum, we’d have sex and let others watch us, which was another fantasy of mine. We discussed beforehand that if either of us felt uncomfortable we would both leave. We weren’t sure if the fantasy would live up to the reality.

The club was really discrete, which was perfect, but we did park two blocks away just in case someone who happened to know our car also knew of the swingers club. The host was really friendly and gave us a guided tour and let us know the rules of the club to help us feel comfortable. We spent the first half an hour to an hour just walking around and chatting with people. I think we were both still a bit nervous to begin with, but then got chatting to a lovely couple who invited us to watch them have sex, so of course we did. They were quite the exhibitionists and just loved the fact that we were watching them. That helped us relax, and started making me horny. After they finished, we gave them each a big hug and thanked them for the experience of watching them, and then my partner and I headed over to the bar.

We sat down at the bar and started having a few drinks. We got chatting to another couple who were there. They were slightly older than us by ten or so years, but they were fun and vibrant. Even though they no doubt gave us fake names, I’ll call them Mark and Jane just in case they didn’t. After a few drinks and chatting for half an hour or so, I really started to relax and I just leaned over and kissed Jane. It was probably only a 20 second kiss, but it was enough to have me ready. After the kiss, I looked at my partner to see if he liked it and he had a big smile on his face. I looked over at the Mark’s face and he was smiling. I looked at Jane and she was smiling. Smiles all round, no words were really necessary, we all got up together, and leaving our drinks behind, took off for a room.

Once we got to the room, the first thing I did was give my partner a massive pash that would have lasted several minutes. (Pash is an Australian slang term for kissing with a tongue. Equivalent to the British ‘snog’. Abbreviated from the term ‘passionate kiss’.) When I was done, I went and kissed Jane. Both the men were just standing there watching us and weren’t joining in at this stage. We undressed each other and were fooling around and loving it. I looked over at my partner and he was still fully dressed, and so was Mark. I think they were just enjoying the show and being respectful and letting us girls have our moment. I went over and started pashing my partner, and undressing him. Jane did the same with Mark. Then we all joined in together on the bed, having a blast. It becomes a bit of a blur at this stage because I just got lost in the moment enjoying myself. The most important feeling I had at the end of it was that it’s so much more fun having three people please you and vice versa than it is with just one person.

When the sex was over, my partner and I went back to the bar and had another drink then called it a night. Neither of us were jealous, and we both loved the experience. There was so much anticipation leading up to the night, and I’m glad it wasn’t a letdown. I had found kindred spirits. There’s nothing quite like it, looking around the room and seeing passion in everyone’s eyes. Being around people who are sexually uninhibited was liberating for me. It was probably the first night in my life where I felt like my sexual desire and hunger, my Dionysian side had been satisfied.

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Vikki was sick and tired of feeling sexually repressed and felt like a part of who she is deep down was just bursting to come out so took matters into her own hands to explore her sexuality. Now much more confident in her own body and sexuality she runs the blog where she gets to express her thoughts on all things sexual.