Delving into kinky play with non-monogamous partners can be both exciting and risky. Whether you are playing very casually or with partners you know very well, there are so many things to consider.
It’s common knowledge that communication is the key to keeping kink safe, sane and consensual. While spontaneity can be fun, when it comes to kink, you might want to take time to discuss the details of what you are about to get involved in. Ask around in the kink community and you’ll hear many stories of miscommunication that can cause kink to get strange, silly, or even dangerous. Using the tried and true “Five W” questions, here is a list of things to consider before you say yes to kinky fun.
Who is participating?
If we aren’t monogamous, I want to know if others will be involved. If my partner wants to invite other partners (or vice versa) this is a very important detail!
If applicable, who is in charge? If this has a power exchange dynamic, it’s important to decide who is in charge and if/when roles will switch. For some, this answer is obvious, but for others, it’s an important negotiation.
What do we want to do?
Those who are new to kink might find it surprising when they learn that not all kinky play involves sex. Make sure both/all parties consent to sexual contact before and during play. Besides safe words, what safety measures will be in place? Let partners know what other physical or non-verbal signs might indicate a need to scale back. What are our limits? Make sure you and your partner(s) are clear on what you don’t want to do. What kind of aftercare is needed? Partners should discuss what they might need or expect after the scene is over.
Where will this take place?
Hopefully, that’s an easy question to answer. Making sure you have adequate space and appropriate furniture is obvious. The more important question is where do you want to go in your mind while in this scene? The whole point of kinky play is to experience something “different”. Role play involves imagination. Subspace and topspace are great escapes from everyday life. Where is the line that indicates you’ve gone too far? A specific physical response? Is it panic? Crying? Pain? This is important for partners to discuss with each other so that a safe word doesn’t need to be used.
When will we schedule this?
Again, that’s another obvious one. The greater question is: When will both partners be at their best? While engaging in kink, being hungry, tired, or preoccupied can distract from the fun and keep you from getting what you want to get out of it. Make sure your immediate needs are covered so you can make the best of your time.
Why do we want to do this?
Most likely, you’re excited, interested and intrigued and the answer might coincide with the answers to the questions above. Why do we trust each other enough? Beyond a mutual curiosity, make sure you feel like you can trust the people who are involved to be cautious and respectful. If you aren’t sure, think about why you are taking a risk. Sometimes certain types of kink play can be unpleasant with the wrong person(s) and this might not be obvious until after the fact.
If the answers to most of the questions above are unclear, you might want to reconsider and look for a better opportunity. Kink is meant to be fun and enjoyable, but whenever there’s any type of risk or vulnerability involved, it should be taken seriously. Communication and safety should always be at the top of the list so that you and your partners can explore, create, and enjoy new sensations and pleasures together.