One of the books that significantly impacted my relationships is Gary Chapman’s #1 New York Times bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages. In it, Chapman posits that everyone has a preeminent “love language” that best illustrates how they flourish in romantic relationships while both giving and receiving love, attention, and affection.
“Your partner may express love in those ways, and it will be helpful to you to understand this about him/her,” explains Chapman via the website, “In the same way, it will benefit your partner to know your primary love language in order to best express affection for you in ways that you interpret as love. Every time you or your partner speak each other’s language, you score emotional points with one another. Of course, this isn’t a game with a scorecard! The payoff of speaking each other’s love language is a greater sense of connection. This translates into better communication, increased understanding, and, ultimately, improved romance.”
The languages listed are “Acts of Service”, “Physical Touch”, “Words of Affirmation”, “Quality Time”, and “Receiving Gifts”. You can bypass reading the entire book if you wish. Instead, take five minutes to complete the free quiz on the website to determine your own personal love language profile.
The Importance of Love Languages in Polyamorous Time Management
Why am I talking about love languages in an article about polyamorous time management? Because I believe it’s crucial to recognize your own love language(s) – as well as the language(s) that your partners are most fluent in. If you organize your time management strategies around the love languages in your poly configuration, you’ll facilitate maximum success. This approach ensures everyone’s needs are met effectively. In short, different partners need different things to feel seen and heard. There’s not a single prescription to fit every unique situation.
My Experience with “Acts of Service”
My primary love language, for example, proved to be “Acts of Service”, which should surprise no one I’ve ever dated.
“Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an ‘Acts of Service’ person will speak volumes,” the website explains, “The words he or she most want to hear: ‘Let me do that for you.’ Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.”
This information indicates that I’m an extremely busy individual with a full calendar, and that I prefer to be in control of my calendar at all times. It highlights that any sacrifices my partners make to acknowledge the preciousness of my time are invaluable. This includes taking extra steps to work around – and with – my packed schedule. It also highlights how seriously I take and perceived disrespecting of my time, whether it be forgetfulness, chronic cancellations, or logistical ineptitude. This is all crucial information to have as a partner, especially from the onset of the relationship. Why wouldn’t you want to stack the odds for success and sustainability in your favor while learning more about yourself in the process?
Time Management Strategies in Non-Monogamy
“Love languages” aside, I wanted to give as many varied examples of how non-monogamous folks manage their time as possible.
Since I’m only one person with a single set of experiences, I reached out for more perspectives. I asked my extensive, intersectional online network to share their own unique time management strategies. Here’s what they had to say – I encourage you to commit what intrigues or resonates with you to memory and skip over the rest! Big thanks to everyone who contributed.
Note: Some like-minded opinions have been combined with one another for efficiency’s sake.
Stop comparing your partners to one another.
While you are spending time with a particular partner, do not let your mind drift to thoughts of resentment towards what they can’t or aren’t doing. Instead of playing the “comparison game”, focus on that individual partner’s strengths and remember to be thankful you have other partners specifically to fulfill those other voids and create balance.
Do the work.
Know yourself well so you can clearly and honestly communicate your needs. More than anything, learn your own ebb and flow. Know your limitations. Know yourself well enough to articulate your limits and availability. Be clear about how much attention and energy you can give. Also, communicate any expectations you may have and when you’re feeling taxed or stretched thin. Seek out what makes you feel sexy, seen, and cared for. Not having a sense of my own limitations and needs was the hardest part about the first years of balancing multiple romantic partners (not just play partners). It led to me feeling worn down and resentful without being able to articulate why.
Develop a routine.
Regularly scheduled things help with stability and predictability (Google Calendar FTW!).
Don’t neglect the power of “me” time.
Take time for yourself. Self-care is sexy. I prioritize scheduling time for myself or I get burned out on partners/metamours and have less energy for all of them. A free block in my calendar doesn’t mean it needs to be filled with partners/metamours. I know if I’m not taking care of myself, I can’t show up in deep and intimate ways for those closest to me.
Don’t forget to breathe.
Exert patience when abrupt changes in scheduling occur. The disappointment can sting sometimes, but always remember that you can reschedule for a time that works better for everyone involved.
Quality, not quantity.
Try to maximize your time with each partner according to what they like to do with you. For example, consider daytime dates with your bowling boo and Sunday brunches with your breakfast fanatic. Then, there are late night adventures with your freaky night owl!
Try unplugging.
It’s really important in my relationships that my quality time with my partners be maximized to the fullest. Because we get together so rarely, we often implement a block of time – or the majority of time – as device-free time. This is especially important for some of my relationships as we have many people in common, so we’re frequently in group chats together and our phones will be dinging constantly. We’ll actually announce that we’re “going dark until further notice”.
No matter how prolific you get at scheduling, don’t allow spontaneity to die.
Spontaneity is also nice too, we’ve found. Sometimes the Google calendar ends up ruling everything. So it’s nice to be able to check in with a partner and be like, “Hey, what are you doing right now?”, “Do you have time for lunch today?”, or “Would you like to have a cuddle puddle with some friends tonight?”
Be careful not to make every hangout into a processing party.
In my one relationship, we also specifically try to do our processing via text or email because we both tend to communicate better that way and it also helps to ensure that our limited time alone in person doesn’t always turn into heavy emotional conversations.
Acknowledge that your availability – as well as your partner’s – may fluctuate.
I am sure to let my partners know about my own level of energy, interest, and time available and ask the same of them. We all are very busy people with other stresses and need to balance downtime with focus on each other time. This hasn’t been true for every poly relationship I’ve been in. However, in my current relationship with a primary partner, our agreement prioritizes our sexy time over time with others. We often wind up acting monogamous when time, energy, and/or libido are low, and kinda slutty when resources are in good shape! It really helps keep jealousy and envy issues in check.
Develop code words or phrases for when there is need instead of want.
“I need support” or “I need a few hours tonight” for hard days make a big difference and allow me to be alert when my priorities may need to shift around if/when a partner needs extra support.
Get meticulous.
I keep a Slingshot day planner religiously. A few days before each new week starts, I check my evenings and weekends. I make sure I’ve marked down anything I have to do or really want to do — work engagements, workouts, special events, babysitting, etc. — and see what’s left. First, I check in with my two solo partners individually. I see if they’re free and interested in getting together during my available times. This step is skipped if I’m already planning to see them at another scheduled event, like a party we’re both attending, where we might spend the night together afterwards.
Anything leftover I save for other friends, chores, whimsy, and/or me-time, depending on my needs that week. This works well for seeing each of them one-on-one at least once a week with very rare weeks that get skipped. If one of them starts seeing someone else (both are just seeing me right now), I’ll probably have to be a little less “fast and loose” with things, but right now I appreciate the flexibility and the fact that we don’t have to set a rigid schedule. With my partner who’s married with a kid, we plan much further in advance by text, and see each other one-on-one once a month or so.
Try balancing – and distinguishing between – “date time” and “life entwinement time”.
With my local partner, we engage in a lot of life maintenance activities together, such as grocery shopping, cooking, and coworking. In contrast, my long-distance or comet loves usually get only specific date time. Each of those things is intimate in its own way. Ensuring each relationship gets the balance that fits it best is really important to me. I’ve been the less-life-entwined partner longing for more day-to-day intimacy. Similarly, I’ve been the day-to-day partner yearning for more intentional time.
Hold scheduling “conferences” within your circle.
Make sure you’re having regular check-ins with everyone in your poly universe – either independently or all together – to discuss upcoming schedules & needs, as well as predictable emotional hiccups such as scheduled family interactions, new dates, anniversaries, hormonal cycles, etc.
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Read More: Six Benefits of Polyamorous Relationships